New Poem: Polishing a sheep is a so hard job

With editing ‘A Close Shave with Destiny’ and writing my serial novel ‘Islands of Hope,’ I have had very little time to do other writing. I wrote a lot of poetry at the start of last year but have not for a while. Partly due to other projects and partly due to looking for a topic. I have actually wanted to write another for a few months. The other day the opportunity arose! The wife and I we were singing songs to our 1-year-old girl, when we stopped we noticed our 4-year-old, who was playing with some trains, was singing the songs but with different words. The last line of his song was, ‘polishing a sheep is a so hard job.’ We laughed and then an idea for a poem jumped into my head. It is about a farmer who does strange things to animals to get them ready for a show. I was going to write it as ‘ Polishing a sheep is a very hard job’ but felt what my son said, whilst grammatically incorrect, sounded better. I tried rhyming but it felt forced, when I went without I felt I could write it like a conversation, or rather one person talking at another. I think it is best to read in a stereotypical British West Country accent because that is how I wrote it, partly due to the grammar errors in the title. You can read it below or go to my poetry collection ‘Bad Poetry You probably never want to read’ on wattpad. Oh yeah, if it is not clear, don’t try any of this at home!

 

Polishing a sheep is a so hard job

Polishing a sheep is a so hard job

They runs away when they see you

And you just gets one then they hear

That psst psst spraying and they’re gone

When the polish is on you gots to rub it in

But it mats up all the fur real bad

You gets a comb and pull and pull

Then you can get that real good shine

And it’s all worth the work you puts in

If all gets too much then remember this

They’ve got to be ready for the show

 

Ironing a chicken is a so hard job

They don’t like the heat you see

So yous has to iron from a distance

And that don’t always make them feathers flat

But get in too close and push too hard

Then the feathers burn and go black

Now no-one ever wants that

Especially not the chicken herselves

So though yous got to hold tight

You need to caress her and keep her calm cause

She’s got to be ready for the show

 

Hoovering a cow is a so hard job

You sees they gets lots of crumbs on em’

Not like biscuit or cakes but more likes mud

Now these ones are easier to catch

And if yous skilled you get on their backs

But they has lots a crannies about

The worst bit by far is the udders you see

When yous got that little hose they pop in

Then you pull it off and another is in

When milk comes out the hoover don’t like that but

She’s got to be ready for the show

 

But the hardest job is mopping a duck

You might say, why mop a duck who live in pond?

Well, pond water is the wrong type o’ water

And you can’t put cleaner in them ponds

Or else it makes duck sick you see

So I have to stretch over with mop in hand

But it just slips off his downy feathers

And off he swims, quacking out laughter

Once I fell in and thought why do I bother

But you know why I keep going? Cause

He’s got to be ready for the show

 

And when the show comes

They won’t laugh at what I do

First in show, four times through

And the prize is just a bonus

For the pride I feel in my heart

I polished the sheep

I ironed the chicken

I hoovered the cow

And I mopped the duck

All so they were ready for the show

Now, where’s that goat? He ain’t gonna descale himself

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